1 ) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------
2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ##### ***
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ******_____####
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ////-----+++
--------------------------------------------------
8). Customer : "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
Tech support : ??????
--------------------------------------------------
9).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
10).Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????
--------------------------------------------------
11). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to
print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech support : @@@@@
--------------------------------------------------
12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
13). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : *** ---- ++++
--------------------------------------------------
The best of the lot
14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support:: 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech support::(hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD
NOSMOKE.COM at the end of theCustomer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
------------------------------
2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
------------------------------
3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
------------------------------
4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
------------------------------
5).Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ##### ***
------------------------------
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ******_____####
------------------------------
7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ////-----+++
------------------------------
8). Customer : "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
Tech support : ??????
------------------------------
9).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ?!%#$
------------------------------
10).Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????
------------------------------
11). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to
print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech support : @@@@@
------------------------------
12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
------------------------------
13). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : *** ---- ++++
------------------------------
The best of the lot
14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support:: 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech support::(hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD
CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't
come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file.
Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
Tech support : (hush hush)
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said,
and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
------------------------------
Hight Of all (Too Good)
15) customer care officer : I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in
finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
